Vol.1 | Yearning

A little prayer and manifestation never hurt.

Jul 02, 2024

Two months ago, I was asked to teach a bunch of high schoolers about journalism. My friend Laura put me up to it. She’s an English teacher and thought her students would be interested in hearing from a “professional.” I said yes without hesitation.

When I arrived at career day, I was escorted to a bright gymnasium that smelled like rubber and boxed coffee from Dunkin. My station was adorned with printed issues of Esquire and laptops with my digital articles on display. I even had a name tag: Bria McNeal, Journalist. Of course, that didn't stop most kids from asking so what do you do? By the time I’d gotten through the first batch of students, I’d mastered my reply. I’m a writer, what do you do?

As I sipped my cardboard coffee, I noticed a teen charging in my direction. I sat up straight and waited to be asked about why I was there or how I knew Laura, but she cut right to the chase. “Do you like writing?” I was thrilled. “Yes!” Turns out, she did, too. Her favorite topics were school essays, fanfiction, and her crush—a fellow classmate who wasn’t into her but, per her estimation, would be soon.

After a few minutes of hearing about how cute, charming, and unavailable the kid was, I figured it was my duty to snap her back into reality. “You know, you can’t make someone love you,” I said.

“Maybe,” she replied. “But a little prayer and manifestation never hurt.”

A little prayer and manifestation? Brilliant. This is why they say children are the future. There I was, thinking I could save a teenager from inevitable heartbreak, but she didn't care about heartbreak. She just wanted a boyfriend. Better yet, she wanted to want a boyfriend. She wanted to yearn and obsess in hopes that one day, he might come around. She was crushing with a capital C—which is, scientifically, the best way to do it.

According to Dr.Bukky Kolawole—a psychologist I found with a swift google search—a crush is rooted in delusion. “You have little pieces of information, and [from] what you see, you are drawn to that person.” Lucia O’Sullivan, a psychologist in Canada, agrees. By her definition, a crush is a one-sided attraction. Most people don’t act on them anyway, so fuck it. Lean in. Add their name to your vision board, send a prayer up, and see what happens.

Most likely, nothing will come of it—but as that student so dutifully pointed out, it’s fun to dream. Maybe that hot person at the bar was making eyes at you. Maybe if you had held eye contact, they’d come over, whisper in your ear, and whisk you away to a sexy penthouse. You know that barista who always smiles as they hand you your cofee? They probably are into you. I bet they don’t compliment everyone’s outfit in the morning. And that guy on the train? Maybe he was checking you out in a non-creepy way. Maybe, and stick with me here, he has a job, a therapist, a 401k, and he knows how to do his own laundry. Maybe he’s...perfect?

I think that’s why so many artists write about love—we’re all hoping for a great story. Even when you’re in the pits it’s nice to just feel it. I often think of SZA’s line “Do you even know I’m alive” from “Anything.” When that song came out, I was silently crushing on a football player who I was certain was the man for me. In hindsight, men aren’t really my thing, but he fit the bill at the time. I spent many nights wondering if he ever thought of me, too. To this day, “Anything” still gives me goosebumps. After football, boy, I started crushing on women, and I noticed that the drums accompanying SZA’s voice mimicked the sound of my heartbeat when a girl crossed my mind.

It wasn’t all bad, though. There was my work crush with the buzz cut, who hosted early morning webinars. I attended each one from bed and was once caught on camera in my headscarf. Back then, BENEE’s “If I Get to Meet You” summed up my feelings entirely. She and I were both secret admirers. Then there was my COVID crush, a girl I chatted with entirely in secret while I was living at home. From what I remember, “Bad Idea!” from Girl in Red and “Curious,” by Hailey Kiyoko were on repeat back then.

I won’t run through every person I’ve been interested in. My point is that music can communicate the thrill of a crush, even after the feeling has passed. There’s the allure of seducing someone new, like Orion Sun, when she sings, “I just want to be the one you want to dance with.” The internal bargaining, which Daniel Caesar faces in, “Do you really like me.” The thrill of finding “the one” like Taylor Swift in “I Think He Knows.” And that moment when affection turns sour, which Joan Jett summed up perfectly in “I Hate Myself For Loving You.”

The cycle is universal, but it can be really fun. Who cares if it’s delusional? In honor of Career Day Girl, I’ve rounded up my favorite songs about yearning. She was right; a little prayer and manifestation never hurt.