Vol. 4 | Anticipation

It's only just beginning

Last Saturday, I hosted my 27th birthday party at Art Bar in the West Village. It looks pretty standard from the outside, but if you pass the booths, cut left, and keep walking, the space opens to a dimly lit lounge adorned with giant paintings and plush couches. 

When I was 23, Art Bar was my go-to spot for a first date. It was familiar. Comforting. I knew all its odds and ends and turned the multi-room setting into a barometer for how well the night went. I’d meet my latest Hinge match outside on the patio, and if they were nice, we’d head inside and grab a vinyl booth across from the counter. If the date went really well, I’d take them to the back. I had full control of the situation in my head, but the system wasn’t as foolproof as I thought. One date never made it past the front door, and another stood me up. 

That didn’t discourage me, though. I thought the odds would eventually tip in my favor if I were meticulous enough. I just needed to be consistent. Then, I met my girlfriend. She asked me out after a flirty Friendsgiving, and I told her I knew the perfect spot. I was running late, so I couldn’t grab my typical outdoor table. She picked a booth by the bar, like a normal person, and after a few chatty hours, we wandered home. I had too much fun to remember my strategy. 

Since then, Art Bar has become a place to bring friends. On Saturday, my friends and I gathered in the back, and we spent the night sipping cocktails and dining on the finest cuisine: onion rings, curly fries, chicken fingers, nachos, and spring rolls. The party had fizzled out by 1 a.m., so when I saw three people lingering nearby, I offered them a seat. Seconds later, a boy with clipped hair began eyeing our scraps.

“Do you want some?” I asked. 

“Yes,” he muttered eagerly. “But, only if you’re done. They look good.” 

I learned it was also his birthday. He’d just turned 24 and was petrified. “Birthdays don’t feel like they used to,” he said. As someone in his “mid-twenties,” he felt a sudden urge to grow up, get his life on track, and maybe even order his own onion rings. That would fix things, right? Surely, life would be better then. I passed him the plate and gave him my leftover cake, too. 

While he and I chatted, I couldn’t help but smile like a tipsy big sister. The truth is, that’s exactly how I felt at 24. And though I promised him it’d get better and the feeling would fade, it hasn’t. It’s only changed.  

I’ve felt on edge all year—like something’s about to happen. I couldn’t pin the feeling down, so I mistook the ambiguity for dread. I assumed the worst and figured I could avoid any harm if I were overprepared. It’s the same way I acted when I was 24. Then the bad thing happened. A few days after my birthday, I was laid off. Budget cuts. 

That afternoon, I ignored messages from my concerned friends and family and waited for my eyes to sting with tears. They never did, so I took myself out to breakfast, curled up on the couch, and braced for an inevitable gut punch. Turns out, the blow I’d anticipated all year felt more like a nudge. I’d prepared for the worst, but then the worst came, and it wasn’t all that bad.

I won’t lie, losing my job sucked. It was unfair and undeserved. I keep having to remind myself that it’s not my fault, that there’s nothing I could’ve done. I’ll miss my coworkers, my paycheck, and putting my degree to good use, but still, I feel hopeful. In all those months I’d spent mentally preparing for something bad to happen, I hadn’t considered that the bad could be good. Necessary, even—like running late to a date or sitting next to a stranger on your birthday because the bar is out of seats. 

If my twenties have taught me anything, it’s that you can live in fear, but it’s useless. Life keeps moving. We might as well move along with it. And so, this year, I want to restructure things a bit. Instead of fearing the unknown, I want to lean in. As always, my playlist seems to know what I want before I do, which is why this month's theme is anticipation. 

The following songs feel fit for a life that’s only just beginning. I hope you enjoy it. 

“Prizefighter,” Youth Lagoon 

“Good news,” Mac Miller 

“Binz,” Solange 

“Look at me now,” Emily King 

“Free,” Florence

“Sleep on the floor,” Lumineers 

“This Feeling,” Alabama Shakes 

“Can’t Pin Me Down,” Marina

“Keeping Your Head up,” Birdy 

“Saturdays,” Twin Shadow ft Haim

“Wild wild woman,” Your Smith

“Coming of Age,” Blondes